hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Randomize
