Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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