Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
