Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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