my room smells like sperm. sweet.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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