I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
