During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
