When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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