12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
