; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
