Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Randomize
