You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
