life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
