Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
