I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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