Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize