There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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