hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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