I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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