Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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