new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He passed out mid-signature
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
