i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
