i would punch a child for taco bell
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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