How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
