so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
