Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
