textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
