Hey man sorry I got all grabby
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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