He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
