Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
