The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize