Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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