i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
