Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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