Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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