You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
