Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
