their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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