This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
