sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
