just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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