Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
