it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
