What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
