I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
