peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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