May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
