Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Everclear isn't food dammit
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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