My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
