My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Are we still banned from the library?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize