The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
