Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize