i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
