The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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