So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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