Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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