Only a mothe r could love this liver
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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